Sheik13LoZ 2024-06-15 20:42:44

Enjoyed this a lot! That twist was so creepy, was not expecting it, but cool world and ideas, especially made on the fly.

Intrapath 2024-06-21 02:17:28

Oh man, the first two thirds of the story were fine, but the climax and ending seriously made it. I loved the veer into something that was unexpected but still fit the theme you were going for. It was great to see Sally become the hero that she never had; the line "Bones, hair, all the nasty organs that get ripped out of you when you’re a kid" was good for convincing me how much she needed that when she was younger, but never got it. Just the phrase "when you're a kid" (especially the key word "you") made it feel like Sally was taking control from the narrator for just a moment to take over telling the story, and speak right to the reader before going back to play her part.

The only thing that threw me off was the frequent switching between different tenses, but I don't know if that was a creative choice or a few typos.

jamriot 2024-07-01 19:29:57

Great work! I liked the twist this took a lot. You did a good job making an environment where Maggy's choices were, sadly, believable. There were a few typos here and there but overall your character choices shined through and I really like how it turned out!